Are boundaries making us lonelier?

Here’s a provocative question: when we set stronger boundaries in our personal lives, do we sometimes push people away, making ourselves lonelier in the name of self-protection? Boundaries are essential, but when they become too rigid, they can undermine what they were really meant to do: foster connection, respect, and safety.

The paradox of boundaries and loneliness

First, some numbers, because we like keeping one foot in evidence while we explore nuance. Globally, about 1 in 6 people report significant loneliness. Social connection is deeply tied to physical and mental health: low connection (or perceived disconnection) is linked to poorer wellbeing, increased stress, depression, and worse outcomes across the board.

One intriguing study from the University of Arizona looked at how much time people spend alone before loneliness really takes hold. They found that being alone per se doesn’t predict loneliness, that is, until it exceeds about 75% of one’s time. When someone spends more than three-quarters of their time alone, they begin to struggle to avoid feeling lonely. That suggests we can tolerate a fair amount of solitude, but there’s a tipping point.

So, there’s room for solitude, for privacy, for “me time”—all of which healthy boundaries support. But push that too far, and you drift toward isolation. And this is not an invitation to stop or to never set any boundaries. Though it is an invitation to reflect on the type of boundaries we set and whether they have the unintended effect of pushing people away.

What does “too harsh a boundary” look like?

Here are some boundary examples that may tip over into self-defeating territory:

• “People only get one chance — hurt me and you’re out.” It feels strong and self-respecting (and sometimes a hard cut-off is needed for safety). But if every misstep equals exile, there’s no room for repair or growth, both of which relationships need.

• “I have no time for people’s problems; I am not here to sort your life out.” Protecting yourself from becoming everyone’s rescuer is good, but total emotional shut-off tells others you’re unavailable for any support or empathy. Relationships thrive on a bit of mutual helping.

• “I never let anyone see me cry or feel vulnerable.” You might think that’s strong, dignified, “keeping it together.” But over time, people around you may stop bringing emotional presence, assuming you don’t want it, or push away in frustration.

• “I don’t ever respond outside certain hours.” Rigid schedules are fine, but if you never allow flexibility for emergencies or for a friend who’s hurting, it can turn your boundary into a wall.

• “I always decline invitations; I need to do 'me' stuff.” That “me stuff” might genuinely matter, but if every time someone reaches out you refuse, you’re effectively signalling: “I don’t want you around.”

• “I never accept feedback from others about my behaviour.” If boundaries are about protecting your integrity, this flips into emotional isolation. We all benefit from honest, compassionate feedback, but if your boundary is “I refuse to engage,” you end up cutting yourself off.

• “Only 1–2 people get to know me; everyone else stays at arm’s length.” That kind of selective openness might feel safe, but it limits your capacity for new closeness.

  
  

In short, a boundary becomes too harsh when it impedes genuine relational give and take.

The true purpose of boundaries: to protect and connect

Let me say this clearly: the purpose of boundaries is not distance, it’s connection with dignity.

Boundaries are supposed to help us:

1. Protect our inner life (our values, emotional safety, limits).

2. Clarify what we will and won’t accept (so others aren’t guessing).

3. Maintain a structure within which relationships can flourish, rather than fall apart.

   
   

When boundaries are too lax, people may walk over us. When they’re too rigid, people may walk away. The sweet spot is a boundary that says: "I care enough about this person and myself to hold both closeness and limits in tension."

A relational metaphor I love: think of a trellis and a plant. The trellis gives structure; the plant uses it to climb, grow, and branch out. Without the trellis, the plant flops. But if the trellis is a cage, the plant suffocates. Boundaries provide structure; they are not fences.

Why strong boundaries can lead to loneliness

• Misattuned expectations: others may not understand your boundary and interpret it as rejection.

• Reduced vulnerability: overly rigid boundaries often block emotional risk-taking, which is necessary for intimacy.

• Undermined trust: a healthy connection often calls for negotiation, adaptivity, and flexibility. If your boundary is non-negotiable in all cases, it sends a message that the relationship is conditional.

• Affiliative conflict: theories in social psychology (e.g., Affiliative Conflict Theory) propose that we have simultaneous needs for closeness and distance: if you lean too far toward distance, the closeness side suffers.

• Perceived social isolation: even if not physically isolated, rigid emotional boundaries can leave you feeling unseen or misunderstood, which is a core component of loneliness.

  
  

How to reclaim the balance

Here are some principles and suggestions: warm, practical, evidence-oriented.

1. Start with curiosity: notice where your boundaries feel tight, cold, or defensive. Where do you feel you can’t soften?

2. Distinguish “no” from “never”. A no in this moment doesn’t have to be a forever fortress.

3. Communicate generously: “I really care about you, and right now I need X; that’s why I’m doing this.” Connecting the dots helps others know you’re not rejecting them.

4. Practice small vulnerability: you don’t have to go all in. Try sharing a minor emotional reaction or letting someone see a small flaw. Gauge how it lands.

5. Observe mutuality: boundaries thrive when both people negotiate; your needs matter, theirs do too.

6. Adjust as you go: boundaries can evolve. What was too loose then may be too tight now.

A closing invitation

If you find yourself lonely behind your strong walls, don’t beat yourself up—this is more common than we talk about. Boundaries were never meant to be solitudes. They’re tools to help us stay in relationships, rather than get lost in them or crushed by them.

If you’re wondering whether a boundary you’ve set has become a barrier, maybe ask: Does this boundary encourage connection or prevent it?

Ioana Rotaru is a London-based Schema Informed CBT, EMDR, and IFS therapist specialising in working with people with histories of relational trauma who now want to improve their relationship with themselves and others. If you would like to explore addressing any of the issues in this article, please get in touch with Ioana at info@ioanarotaru.com for a free 15-minute consultation about how therapy might help.